There is that old saying, about the devil you know. I feel like I am going through that right now.
It looks as though our old house back in South Carolina is sold. We close this coming Wednesday, and unless something unforeseen happens, it will be over in a matter of a few days. I'm happy for us financially, to get out from under the burden of double mortgages, utilities, etc. It's bittersweet, though, because I really loved that house very much. From the moment I saw the photo of it online, I said "That's the house for us!!" And it was. I'm not sure James really loved it quite as much as I did, it was "second" on his list when we were house hunting back in 2006. And he never much cared for the layout of the house.
But selling the house also means letting go of the one last string that bound us to Rock Hill. With the house, we still had to return to our old stomping grounds at least once a month to check on everything. I don't know why that mattered to me, but it did. I always used to badmouth both my job and my old town, but I think I did it with love in my heart, the way a teen complains about their parents because it's almost expected. I lived in Rock Hill for 13 years, and I was at my job for almost 8 years. Come on, if I truly hated both so much, would I stick around??
I don't hate my new circumstances, but it won't shock my husband to hear me say that I'm very deeply unhappy here. He knows it, and I'm not very good at hiding my feelings or keeping my chin up. I don't know what to do with myself without having a job, and I don't keep to a structured schedule here at the house. No child to take care of- the cats are pretty self-sufficient. I am still feeling old before my time with my back problems, so that limits me from joining a gym or the Y right now. I've not made one friend here since we moved. And frankly, I am having a hard time seeing any brightness in my near future.
I realize that even if I find a job tomorrow, it will take time before I'm "the one with the answers" that everyone came to at my last office. Even if I meet someone tomorrow, it will take months, even years before we're deep enough friends that I can be honest and open and crazy like I was with the girlfriends I left behind.
It's very much like back when I first moved away from Florida to South Carolina. I used to cry I was so homesick, and I was 29-years-old!! At the time, I was without a job, and I stayed home alone all day long. I didn't do anything that would get me out of the house, making friends, finding places to go to meet others. And that place was Rock Hill, where I would eventually find fabulous friends and a job I was great at.
James apologizes all the time for the move to Newnan, he feels like it's his fault that I'm unhappy. But we all know from reading Self and watching Oprah- no one else can make you happy or unhappy, you do those things to yourself. I love James, and was proud and thrilled with his promotion to Atlanta, and I actually looked forward to the change. Maybe I just looked forward to the "idea" of change, not the actual day I would have to pack up my old desk, hug girlfriends goodbye, and move our possessions out of our dream house.
I know in time things will get better, it's only been 5 1/2 months since we moved. I just hate being a 42-year-old woman who is once again trying to find her way in the world. I feel like I've already done this too many times in my life. Right now I haven't been able to shake off the funk I've been drowning in since we moved here. I read one blog, by a recent college graduate, who is basically in a depression and saying "now what?", and wow I feel like that now too. Only, I should already know the answer to that question!!
I have nothing to complain or whine about. James' job pays all the bills with enough left over for fun, and he comes home every night. Despite my bad back, we're both in good health (I don't think anyone has ever died from a pinched nerve). We have wonderful families who we visit often, and they are all healthy and happy. But sometimes, when it's one o'clock in the middle of the day, and I don't watch soap operas, I just feel a heavy loneliness that overshadows everything else good about my life.
I know, shut up and get over myself already!
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